Upon learning that she was being adopted from the Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society by Eagles QB Michael Vick, Muffin, a 12 week old poodle puppy, buried her adorable little nose in her tiny paws and thought to herself, “God-DAMMIT!”
“At first, I was soooo thwilled!” said the precious pooch. “When I heard that mean old guardy-man opening the gate to my tiny wittle cage, I thought to myself, ‘Hooway! Someone is finawy adopting me! Gosh, I weally hope it’s someone sweet and kind and wuvving!’ Then I saw it was Michael Vick and I thought, ‘FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!’”
Vick, who served nearly two years in prison for operating an illegal dogfighting ring, as well as personally torturing and killing several dogs himself, has given countless hours of charity work to PETA since his release, trying to repair his image. And while some fans have been able to forgive the star QB, many dog-lovers, (and virtually all dogs), still despise Vick for his crimes.
“He’s a total pwick!” said Muffin. “This sadistic piece of cwap tortured and swaughtered dozens of poor innocent doggies, AFTER forcing them to fight each other purely for sport. How is this fweaking asshole even ALLOWED to adopt a pet? And why did he haf to pick ME, of all dogs? Goddammit, I have the worst fucking wuck!”