Biologists and other zoological experts worldwide were baffled yesterday when every single dog living on the planet earth wagged its tail simultaneously at exactly 2:16pm.
Also occurring at exactly 2:16: Donovan McNabb spontaneously orgasmed
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Carol DeSimone, Executive Director of the London Academy for Canine Studies. “Reports are coming in from China, Australia, South America, pretty much everywhere across the globe. At exactly 2:16, it appears that every single canine on Earth wagged its tail vigorously. We have also heard reports of happy barking and excited jumping. Even my own dog, Mr. Puddles, started wagging his tail and spinning in circles. It was peculiar, but also adorable.”
Most experts are attributing this odd behavior to the concussion suffered by Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick at precisely 2:16, while being hit in the second quarter of his game against The Dallas Cowboys. Vick, sent to prison in 2007 for operating an illegal dogfighting operation, as well as cruelly torturing and electrocuting several of his personal pit bulls, has long been despised by animal lovers, and many are pointing to yesterday’s phenomenon as proof that Vick is as unpopular with pooches as he is among their owners.
“I’ve heard that dogs can have extra-sensory perception about things like earthquakes, ghosts, stuff like that,” said Jonathan Riggola of Knoxville TN. “I didn’t know that they also have some sort of global frequency that connects all dogs whenever an animal sadist gets hurt. But sure enough, at exactly 2:16, Ollie, my six year-old German Shepherd, jumped up and wagged his tail, while barking at the TV. I flipped the channel over to Fox and saw that Vick was being helped to the locker room, and that he looked pretty woozy. Man, I don’t think I’d ever seen Ollie that happy before.”
Released from jail in 2009, Vick has volunteered countless hours to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), and has expressed sorrow for his crimes numerous times. And while some have been willing to give the star athlete a second chance, others have been less forgiving.
“Personally, I think the guy’s paid his dues to society,” said Reggie Arcola, an Eagles fan from Glassboro, PN. “I stopped hating him a long time ago. But I’m not so sure about Angus, my border collie. At exactly 2:16 yesterday, she started wagging her tail harder than I’d ever seen before. Dogs just do not let go of a grudge I guess.”
