DALLAS, TX – A three-inch wide sebaceous cyst consisting of a fatty, white, semi-solid material as well as assorted fibrous tissues and fluids was reported to be “thrilled and relieved” following successful surgery to remove Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo from its back, sources confirmed early this morning.
“Thank god that disgusting growth is off me at last,” said the epidermal blob. “Do you know how grossed out I’ve been knowing that thing has been on my back all this time? I am just so happy it’s finally been sliced off me for good.”
Doctors at the Baylor University Medical Center performed the procedure by first creating two small oval incisions, then using blunt headed scissors and surgical forceps to pry the 33-year old quarterback off the cyst’s backside.
“When the operation was over, the surgeon asked me if I wanted to actually see it,” continued the cyst. “I told him, ‘Absolutely not. I’m way too squeamish to see a horrid sight like that. Just get rid of it for me.’”
With the procedure now over, the newly liberated lesion claims to be looking forward to a peaceful, non-Romo existence.
“Due to the bloody, serosanguineous fluid and thick, gelatinous deposits of keratin that compromise my insides, I tend to have a foul moldy, odor,” concluded the cyst. “But hey, at least now I have that stench of failure off me.”
