Hey, do y’all want to see something cool? Lookit, this coffee cup of mine. See what it says there on the side? “World’s Greatest G.M.” Pretty impressive, right? This here cup declares me to be the best gosh-darn General Manager in the whole rootin’ tootin’ universe. Well, I had this mug custom designed a few years back by a master ceramics craftsman down in Peru or Thailand or one of them God-forsaken shithole countries south of the border. It cost me $275,000, but folks let me tell you, it’s worth every Texas nickel.
First thing I do is grab this cup every morning when I get into the office ’round 11:30 or so. I pour me a nice hot mug of thinking juice, mix in a splash of Jim Bean, and then I get right down to some serious NFL managin’, general style.
Yep. It was just five years ago when I was drinking right out of this here cup, and a thought hit me: I think that Roy Williams feller from Detroit would look awfully good with a Cowboys star on his helmet. I wonder if I could finagle him away from Detroit for just a first, third, and sixth round draft pick? Well folks, lemme tell ya, there’s no end of fools in this world ’cause the Lions durn near jumped at my offer. Haha! Suckers.
Of course, ol’ Roy didn’t really pan out so well for us. We had to cut him a couple years later. Just goes to show that even the most brilliant G.M. moves can be undone by piss-poor coaching.
Oh that reminds me. As the G.M., did you know that I hire the coaches too? That’s right. In fact, it wasn’t too long ago that I interviewed one Monte Kiffin right here at this desk, while drinking a nice tall cup of joe from my beloved coffee cup. Monte, he didn’t want any coffee. He was more of a prune juice fella. But he started talking about how he’d love to be the Cowboys defensive coordinator, and how I shouldn’t be scared off by his age of 72, or his signature “Tampa-2″ defense being an outdated scheme. I said, “Monte, Monte, you don’t have to sell me. I’m Jerral Wayne Jones, Sr. I’m not afraid of risk, age, or antiquation. The job is yours!”
And pretty soon, I’ll probably be giving Monte the old heave-ho. We’re on pace to be one of the worst defenses in NFL history. Now a more spineless manager might be afraid of the negative publicity he’d get for firing a senior citizen like that. But I didn’t get to be the “World’s Greatest G.M.” by worrying about what people think. When a change has to be made, I’ve gonna go right on ahead and make it.
Which reminds me, did you see that Cowboys game against the Saints the other night? Yeah we got our butts handed to us pretty good, I’ll admit it. Whoever their D-Cordinator is sure whipped up Tony Romo and the boys on offense. But you know something? While I was sitting up in the Superdome visting team box, sipping from this cup and watching that blowout, I wasn’t dwelling on the negative. No, I was thinking, “Hmm, maybe I’ll see if I can convince whoever that defensive genius is on the Saints to come join the Cowboys staff?” You see how I’m always thinking, thinking, thinking?
You know, speaking of Romo, you have to admire how I signed him to a contract extension this past March. Six years, $108 million, with $55 million guaranteed. BOOM. Just like that. You think I’m gonna listen to the mamby-pamby types who wring their hands and moan things like, “he’s too old for that type of deal,” or “your salary cap will be crippled for years,” or “he’s never yet proven he can deliver in the clutch?” HELL NO. I’m a man of ACTION. I took one big swig from this cup, and drew up that deal. That’s how a great G.M. moves. Swiftly, decisively, and authoritatively.
Which is exactly how I’ll move during the next few months. We’re $30 million dollars over the cap, you see, so I’m gonna be cutting a whole lot of players. Well, I’ve got my work cut out for me. Looks like I’m gonna need a refill.
Oh and hey, before you go, let me show this $250,000 throw pillow I had custom embroidered with “NFL Head Coach of the Year” on it. What’s that? Well, no, that’s true, I’m not technically the head coach. Yet.
