All right, listen up chumps. I’m SICK of this, you hear me? Sick of the turnovers, the sloppy play, the penalties, the losses, ALL OF IT. I’ve tried everything else I can think of to motivate you numbskulls, and nothing’s seemed to work, so now it comes down to this: You either win this weekend against the Jets, or I’m gonna kill this helpess, adorable little kitten with my bare hands. AND MAKE YOU IDIOTS WATCH WHILE I DO IT.
You don’t believe me? You don’t think I’ll actually snuff out this precious little creature’s life as a punishment for yet another embarrassing display of inept football? JUST TEST ME, ASSHOLES.
Everyone,quiet down for a second. Listen real carefully. Shhhh, you hear that? It’s the gentle purr this kitten makes when I softly pet its head. Aww, it sounds really sweet, right? Well if you morons don’t find a way to outscore those New York bastards on Sunday, that purr’s gonna become a full throated yowl of terror when I bite this goddamn cat’s head clean off its scrawny neck and spit it directly in the center of our locker room, bloody whiskers and all. You wanna see that happen? No? Then motherfuckers, you BETTER study your game plans and go out there and get me a victory this weekend.
Hey, Roethlisberger, you wanna hold him for a second? Yeah, he’s real cute, huh? You know what I call him? Mister Snuggles, on account of how much he likes to cuddle. But you know what he won’t like? WHEN I RIP HIS FRAGILE SPINE AWAY FROM HIS RIBCAGE LIKE A FURRY LITTLE WISHBONE. And then I’m gonna nail Mister Snuggles’ tiny lifeless carcass in YOUR locker, so everyday you can remember how it was YOUR poor reads and bad throws that murdered this precious little kitty.
I’m not playing here, dipshits. This is no motherfucking joke. Your crappy play has given us an 0-4 record, and I’m gonna do anything I have to in order to get that first win. Whether that means adjusting our starting lineup, switching to an uptempo offense, or slaughtering a baby kitten, MIKE TOMLIN’S GONNA DO WHAT MIKE TOMLIN’S GOTTA DO.
And so help me, if you dopes mange to fuck it up for us yet again on Sunday, I’ve got a puppy, a bunny rabbit, a family of newly hatched chicks, and a big, wet-eyed baby seal all lined up for weeks 7-10.
