In the wake of the “Smash for Cash” revelation, in which it was revealed that the late Reggie White paid thousands of dollars to teammates for hard hits, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell Friday announced that the Hall of Fame defensive end would be posthumously suspended from the league for eight weeks.
“As far as I know, Brett Favre finished his career as a Packer. Whoo-hoo!”
“We are tremendously disappointed in Reggie,” said Goodell. “While he was certainly a phenomenal player and a true champion during his time on this mortal coil, the news that he paid players for hits leaves me no choice but to issue this post-mortem suspension. I have made it very clear during my ‘Bountygate’ investigation that this sort of behavior will not be tolerated. Not from New Orleans Saints players, not from defensive coaches, and no, not even from deceased NFL legends.”
White will be barred from having any contact with any NFL team, nor is he eligible to visit any franchise’s headquarters, in the unlikely event that someone was to dig up his casket and try to take him there.
To this day, any offensive tackle who comes within thirty feet of White’s grave still wets himself in fear.
Goodell did, however, leave the door open for a potential appeal of the suspension.
“Yes, if proper appeals protocol was honored and all the paperwork was filed in a timely fashion, we might reconsider the punishment,” Goodell told reporters. “Mind you, the collective bargaining agreement clearly stipulates that all appeals must be hand-delivered by the defendant, in person, within three business days of said suspension. So yeah, if Reggie shows up here at NFL headquarters and personally hands me his paperwork by close of business Tuesday, then sure, I might see my way clear to knocking the whole thing down to six weeks.”