DE PERE, WI – Aaron Rodgers shocked Packers players and coaches when the superstar QB weighed in for training camp today at 375 pounds, a full 150 pounds over his normal playing weight of 225.
“It’s no big deal. I think it’s probably just water weight,” said Rodgers, while gnawing on a turkey leg in between practice reps at St. Norbert College. “I mean, sure, I might have gained a couple of pounds. But that just means there’s more of me to love, right ladies?”
While Rodgers, who signed a record $110 million dollar contract during the offseason, was dismissive of his enormous weight gain, his coaches and teammates were more than a little concerned.
“I’ve seen it happen before,” said coach Mike McCarthy. “A player gets a huge payday, and they become complacent in their training. Though frankly I’ve never witnessed it occur quite to this extent. My god, I watched him devour an entire honey-glazed ham for breakfast.”
“He’s pretty gross,” echoed defensive tackle B.J. Raji. “I keep telling him, ‘A-Rod, man, you can’t treat your body like this. You need to cool it with the donuts and the chicken wings and the brownies and the double cheeseburgers. At least don’t eat them all at the same meal, dude.’”
Rodgers, however, continues to deny that his added mass is the result of poor dietary habits.
“Look, sometimes our bodies just sort of naturally bulk up, okay? No one really knows why. Is it my system’s way of reacting to the Wisconsin winters? Maybe. Is it nature’s way of buffering me against the collisions of professional football? Could be. Does it have anything to do with the seven deep fried Twinkies covered in hot fudge I ate for dinner last night? Possibly. Unfortunately, medical science isn’t able to answer these questions for us just yet. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hit the Golden Corral buffet before they run out of their cheesy bacon potato skins.”
