Well everyone, it’s time to call it a career. I’ve truly been blessed to play for fifteen seasons in the National Football League. During my time, I’ve been named to eight Pro Bowls, earned a Defensive Player of the Year award, and of course, won a Super Bowl ring with Green Bay in 2011. I can honestly say I’ve accomplished all my goals as an NFL player. That’s why I’m so pleased to sign this contract with the Raiders, the team that originally drafted me back in 1998, so I can retire from this sport that I love so very, very…
Hang on. What’s with this newspaper headline? “Charles Woodson returns to Raiders on one-year deal?” What? WHAT?! I thought this was one of those, you know, those ceremonial one day contract thingees, not an actual, official one YEAR contract!
No, no, no this can’t be happening. I thought I was DONE playing football. I have nothing left to prove. And I’m 36-years old, for God’s sake! Why the hell would I want to play for another season? In OAKLAND, no less? It’s not like I’m Tony Gonzalez, who jumped from a crappy team to a good one during his final years in the hopes of finally winning a championship. I got my ring. The last thing I want to do is stick around for another year on a team that averages a measly five wins a season!
This is unbelievable. I had everything all planned out. I was going to address the media at Raiders headquarters, where I would thank the team management for bringing me back home so I could call it quits. I was going to put on an Oakland cap, and do this thing where I would point up to the sky and say, “I’m back home, Al Davis. You rest in peace up there, boss man.” And then I’d wipe a tear from my eye, look up at the reporters and say, “That’s it guys. Woodson out.” It was gonna be great!
But instead, they’re telling me I have to report for OTA’s tomorrow? And that training camp kicks off in late July? TRAINING CAMP? Are you kidding me? I’m too old to start doing drills and running laps and all that shit. And after that, I’m supposed to play four weeks of preseason games, followed by a full 16-week season? COME ON! I was planning on spending my entire fall sitting in a hammock in my backyard watching “Game of Thrones” on Netflix. But apparently I’m going to be covering Demaryius Thomas and Dwayne Bowe and all those other guys instead? Crap!
Wait, hang on. Lemme look at that newspaper article again. This contract is worth $4.3 million? And includes a $700,000 signing bonus? For doing nothing more than sleepwalking through a 4 or 5 win season and going home the first week of January?
Like I was saying, WHOO-HOOOO! CHARLES WOODSON HAS RETURNED, OAKLAND! I’M THRILLED TO BE BACK IN THE SILVER AND BLACK, BABY. YEAHHHHH!
