‘Ello there, Yanks. Now that your California 49ers and Florida Jaguars ‘ave finished their match here at Wembley Stadium, (the second time this year we’ve ‘osted a match of yours, mind you), we thought we’d take a moment to speak to you about this League of National Football you keep sending us.
Your sport is lovely. Lots of running, and tackles and all that sort of rot. Truly, a smashing time was ‘ad by all. But the time ‘as come for us to say, with all due respect: that’s quite enough football for us now, thank you very much.
We feel compelled to mention this because the president of your football club, one Mr. Roger Goodell, supposedly has plans to send us a good deal more matches in the future. As many as eight per year, apparently? Blimey, do you lot think we’re going to turn up at Wembley EIGHT BLOODY TIMES PER YEAR to watch a bunch of you silly sods beat yourselves senseless over a funny shaped rugby ball? Due respect mates, you’re out of your bloomin’ minds.
When we first ‘eard you were planning on ‘olding some of your matches ‘ere, we all thought, “Well, that’s jolly good. The colonies want to share a spot of their favorite sport with us. We’ll be ‘appy to observe one of these contests to see what all the fuss is about.”
But to be perfectly ‘onest, this “sport” of yours is a load of bollocks. Let’s talk about the obvious problem. We don’t need your “football” because we already ‘AVE football. It’s what you call “soccer,” and it’s only the most popular sport in the ‘ole bloody world. So ‘ow you can continue to call that rubbish you play “football” is baffling to say the least. If you ‘ad any decency, you’d rename it “toss-and-run ball,” or some other more accurate moniker.
Look mates, ‘ave you ‘eard of cricket? It’s a game we Brits fancy, in which two batsmen stand behind the crease at opposite ends of a pitch, while a bowler delivers the ball to the wicket behind the batsman in an attempt to dismiss ten members of the batting team. Sound like something you’d be interested in? No? THAT’S WHY WE DON’T SEND OVER THE YORKSHIRE AND SUSSEX CRICKET CLUBS TO PLAY MATCHES IN METLIFE STADIUM AND FORCE YOU LOT TO WATCH ‘EM TWICE A BLOODY YEAR.
So in conclusion, let us state again in no uncertain terms that while we appreciate the thought, we’ve ‘ad quite enough “toss-and-run ball” to last us for the next several decades or so. We know you Yanks think that you can slap the Stars and Stripes on any old thing you like, export it across the pond, and expect everyone in England to lap it up like trained terriers. But make no mistake: we ‘ave all the sport we need already, thank you very much. Why don’t you send your Texas Cowboys and Pennsylvania Eagles over to France next year? We ‘ear they LOVE anything that’s big, loud, and American down there.
Bloody hell.
