CHICAGO – Bradley Stiles, 29, an accounts payable clerk at IDN Corporate Insurance, attempted to explain the rules of fantasy football to fellow employee Melanie Rogers, 27, and over the course of the six minute conversation, gradually began to realize how sad and pathetic he was sounding to his attractive coworker, sources confirmed.
“The way it works is, you draft a team of players to form a team. Not a real team, obviously. It’s just, you know, pretend,” explained Stiles to Rogers, who had really just stopped by to see if an important check had been sent to her client yet.
“Then each week, you examine the matchups, compare the stats, and pick which players you want to start and which ones you want to bench,” continued Stiles, as Rogers stifled a yawn. “Believe it or not, it takes me most of my Saturday night to crunch all the data.”
According to sources, Stiles has harbored a crush on Rogers for several months, and has been hoping for an opportunity to get to know the redheaded account manager better. However, based on Rogers’ clearly disinterested body language, Stiles’ long winded explanation of his fantasy football hobby seemed to have the opposite effect to that which he’d desired.
“It’s like, I guess you’d say it’s sort of like Dungeons and Dragons, but with football players,” Stiles said, immediately regretting the comparison. “I mean, not as nerdy though, obviously, because fantasy football uses real people, not elves and witches. So it’s, you know… cooler. I guess.”
After finally directing the conversation back to the topic of work, Rogers excused herself, but not before Stiles made one last ditch effort to impress the object of his affections.
“You know, I’ve won my league in two of the past five seasons. Last year, I drafted Adrian Peterson in the second round and picked up Russell Wilson as a free agent, and those two carried me in the playoffs. Here, let me show you a picture of my trophy. I’ve got it right here on my iPhone… oh right, some other time, sure. Okay, see you later!”
