Congratulations Aaron. It’s wonderful news.
What is?
Your coming out as a gay man. The NFL supports you 100% on this.
I’ve already addressed these rumors. I’m not gay.
Yes I heard that flimsy “denial” of yours. What’s that phrase you people use? “Girlfriend, please.”
I’m not gay. But that’s pretty offensive.
You don’t need to hide it anymore. The rumors about you have been flying all over the internet.
You believed I was gay just because of some anonymous internet rumors?
And the mustache.
Look Goodell, I’m not gay. I’m not anti-gay either. I support same-sex marriage, gays in the military, all of it.
I have Elton John’s Greatest Hits on CD for Christ’s sake. Volumes 1 AND 2.
I’m not a homophobe. I just don’t happen to be gay.
Are you sure?
That I’m not attracted to dudes? Yeah, pretty sure.
Well, I only ask because… the truth is it would be great for league PR.
We would get to appeal to a whole new segment of fans. And you’d go down in history as the Jackie Chan of gay NFL players.
I think you mean Jackie Robinson
Who’s that? Some popular disco singer you “groove” to?
Look, I’m sorry I can’t help you. But I’m not gay.
Well, I’m afraid it’s not up to you at this point.
My sexual preference isn’t up to me?
We’re using this opportunity to throw you a massive, rainbow-themed parade through the streets of Green Bay before your game this weekend.
Then right before kickoff, you’ll burst out of an enormous pink closet at midfield wearing nothing but a green and yellow speedo, and then mince around the field blowing kisses to the fans.
JESUS CHRIST. THAT’S THE MOST BIGOTED THING I’VE EVER HEARD.
Yes, but it should be a good way to boost those lagging ticket sales.
I’M NOT GAY! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?! I-AM-NOT-GAY!!!
Aaron, you’re coming across as kind of homophobic right now.
MY NOT BEING GAY IS NOT HOMOPHOBIC.
LISTEN YOUNG MAN, YOU ARE GAY AND THAT’S FINAL. OTHERWISE YOU CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
THIS IS SO UNFAIR! I’M BEING OSTRACISED FOR MY SEXUAL PREFERENCE?
WHY CAN’T YOU JUST ACCEPT ME AND MY NOT-GAYNESS?
DON’T BLAME ME. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MADE THE CHOICE TO BE NOT GAY.
BEING “NOT GAY” IS NOT A CHOICE. I WAS BORN THIS WAY.
See? Quoting Lady Gaga lyrics PROVES you’re gay.
OH YOU LUCKY, LUCKY BASTARD!
What the hell do you want, Peyton?
I can’t BELIEVE that you’re gay. You are so lucky!
I AM NOT GAY.
But why would that make me lucky?
Are you an idiot? THINK OF THE ENDORSEMENTS. YOU’RE GONNA BE ROLLING IN CASH!
Or in your case, prancing about daintily in cash.
I’M NOT GAY, BUT YOU’RE BEING A STEROTYPING BIGOT WITH STATEMENTS LIKE THAT.
Hey, I’m no bigot. I would LOVE to be gay like you. You’re gonna be the most sought-after spokesperson in America.
I already do just fine, endorsement wise.
Pfft. Please. You sell insurance and fast food pizza. Lame.
YOU’RE A PAPA JOHN’S SPOKESMAN.
I still can’t believe how lucky you are.
The first major gay player in professional football? You’re basically the Jackie Gleason of the NFL!
You mean Jackie Robinson.
Who’s that? Some new fashion designer of men’s mesh tank tops?
I need to go now Manning.
Lemme guess. You’re off to sign a deal to pitch all the major gay products. DAMN, you’re lucky.
What the hell are “major gay products?”
You know. Sequined vests. Bette Midler CD’s. Assless leather chaps
THAT’S INCREDIBLY HOMOPHOBIC.
Okay, okay, sorry. Sheesh. I forget how thin-skinned you gay guys can be.
I AM **NOT** GAY. BUT YOU’RE BEING IGNORANT.
GAY MEN DO NOT TYPICALLY WEAR SEQUINED VESTS, NOR DO THEY GO AROUND IN ASSLESS LEATHER CHAPS
What about listening to Bette Midler?
Yeah, that one’s probably true.
Just so we’re clear: I still hate your guts. But not because you bang dudes.
I’m not gay Cutler.
Right. And I don’t smoke six packs of unfiltered Camels a day.
But you gotta admit. It’s pretty funny you being gay. Because you play for the “Packers,” and all.
I’m not gay, but you’re being a homophobic asshole.
I’m not homophobic, cheesedick. I despise you and your stupid team. But in your fight for gay equality, I’m behind you all the way.
Metaphorically speaking.
I AM NOT GAY
Oh yes you are. You’re basically the Jackie Joyner-Kersee of the NFL
You mean Jackie Robinson.
Who’s that? The construction worker in The Village People?
I don’t know why you dickweeds won’t accept the truth that I am not gay.
It’s because we’ve all known this about you for a long time now.
The way you and Russell Wilson go at it? Please. We expect you two to be married and operating a B&B; in Vermont by 2016.
I’M SO SICK OF THESE RUMORS. IM GONNA TAKE OUT MY FRUSTRATIONS THIS WEEKEND THE BEST PLACE I KNOW HOW.
The dance floor?
No. Lambeau Field. Where I’m gonna destroy the 49ers in the wildcard game on Sunday.
Oh. So would you say that you’re going to “ream” Colin Kaepernick?
You are such a douchehead,
What? I’m just asking if you’re going to “pound” him and the rest of his teammates on national TV.
YOUR STUPID JOKES ARE OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE, GAY OR STRAIGHT.
What about the pan-sexual, cross-dressing, necrophiliac bronies?
Yes, Sam Bradford hates you too.
So you finally came out, huh? We’ve all been wondering what’s been taking you so long.
For the love of… I AM NOT GAY.
Yeah, Goodell, Manning, and Cutler all told me that you keep denying it. Methinks thou doth protest too much, brah.
I’m only protesting it because all you imbeciles keep accusing me of being something that, while not in any way shameful or wrong, I do not happen to be.
Don’t fight it. Come out of your fabulously accessorized closet. You’re basically the Little Jackie Paper of the NFL.
YOU’RE THINKING OF JACKIE ROBINSON.
“Little Jackie Paper” was the kid who loved Puff the Magic Dragon.
Hey man, I don’t care if you call them “bears” “twinks” or “dragons.” Whatever you do behind your closed locker room doors is cool with me.
I’M NOT GAY, AND YOU’RE A HOMOPHOBE
Whoa, whoa, don’t get your feather boa in a bunch. I LOVE gay dudes.
I can hang in the clubs with you boys to talk fashion and hair tips all night long, and never have to worry about competition for the hottest honeys.
Aren’t you, like, married to a supermodel?
C’mon brah. You of all people should know what a “beard” is.
Me and Giselle have what you call an “open marriage.”
I’m open to watching her get it on with other chicks, and she’s open for me if I need a booty call at 4am.
This is all information I could live my whole life without hearing.
Oh, does the prospect of guy-girl sex disgust you that much? Look just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you can spread your hatred toward me and my kind.
That’s not at all what I was saying…
QUIT BEING SUCH A HETEROPHOBE.
THAT’S NOT EVEN A THING.
I’M HERE. I’M NOT QUEER. GET USED TO IT.
I just want to let you know that you have nothing to be ashamed about.
I know we’ve had our differences, but I support you during this public humiliation.
GODDAMMIT, I AM ***NOT*** GAY.
IF I WAS GAY, I WOULDN’T BE ASHAMED OF IT BECAUSE IT’S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. BUT I, PERSONALLY, DO NOT HAPPEN TO BE GAY!
Who said anything about being gay?
I was talking about the fact that you didn’t get picked to the Pro Bowl.
WILSON, I WILL USE A TUBE TO INSERT A SMALL WOODLAND RODENT DIRECTLY UP YOUR ANUS.
