Commissioner Goodell?
WHO IS THIS?
Your name seems familiar to me. Have I suspended you before?
Um, no sir.
Okay. THEN YOU’RE SUSPENDED. Four weeks. No pay.
Sir, I don’t think you understand…
Oh, back talk eh? EIGHT WEEKS.
Sir, my name is Brian McCarthy. I work for you in the NFL’s public relations department.
I’m texting you today because I’m afraid you may be developing a bit of a “woman” problem.
No, it’s fine. My doctor assures me that a little yeast down there is perfectly normal for a man my age.
No sir, I meant that your handling of the Ray Rice situation has caused quite an uproar.
Oh, that? People are angry that I suspended Ray for two games?
Quite upset sir, yes.
Okay, fine. I’ll knock it down to one week, with pay. Problem solved.
No sir, the uproar is actually that you were too lenient on Mr. Rice.
Was I? Remind me what Ray did again.
Mr. Rice viciously beat his fiancée senseless, then dragged her unconscious body out of an elevator in an Atlantic City Casino.
Oh right, right. Now I remember.
Boy, it’s a good thing he wasn’t smoking pot when he did it, or he would be in BIG trouble.
That’s exactly the attitude I’m talking about, sir.
People are angry that you suspended Josh Gordon for 12 full months after he was caught with marijuana in his system, yet you only suspended Ray Rice two weeks for what he did to his fiancée.
And what does his fiancée have to do with this, again?
She was the victim, sir.
Right, right.
Many people are saying that the NFL simply doesn’t care about the horrific crime of domestic violence.
Look Mr. Lombardi…
McCarthy, sir.
Look, we know that Ray and what’s-her-name were arguing pretty intensely before he knocked her out.
Maybe, you know, maybe she provoked him or something.
Sir, that is INCREDIBLY insensitive.
Regardless of what they may have been arguing about, or anything that she might have said to him, there is absolutely NO excuse for a 218lb professional athlete to assault a woman half his size.
Listen, that chick still got married to him AFTER this incident. She’s supported him and requested leniency for him!
Sir, many victims of domestic violence return to their abuser and try to condone the offending behavior. It doesn’t mean that society should do the same.
You’re quite the ball-buster Mr. Holmgren.
McCarthy, sir.
And I’m just telling you what women and men around America are saying about this situation.
So why should I listen to the opinions of a bunch of shrieking harpies, anyway?
Because it’s the decent thing to do?
That doesn’t convince me.
Because women make up 50% of the population?
Swing and a miss.
Because if female fans are upset, they won’t buy any more of our officially licensed NFL products?
Holy crap, you’re right. WE HAVE TO REACH OUT TO THESE GALS, A.S.A.P.!
I’m glad you see it my way sir.
Okay, let’s brainstorm here.
We need a way to show women that the NFL understands their complaints, and is ready to do whatever it will take to make them happy.
Excellent, sir.
What do you think about this: we have a “free oven mitt giveaway” at every NFL stadium next weekend?
I think that sends the wrong message, sir.
“Hey Ladies! Enter for your chance to vacuum the floors in the NFL locker room of your choice?”
Not a promotion I’d recommend sir.
“Fetch a sandwich and beer for your favorite player” night?
Absolutely not.
I’M NEVER GOING TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM IF YOU KEEP SHOOTING DOWN ALL MY IDEAS MR. SHERMAN!
McCarthy, sir.
Wait, I know. Let’s remind these wenches about all the GOOD things we already do for women.
Such as?
Well, I recently recommended an increase in cheerleaders’ salaries
Up to a whopping $9.00 an hour.
Plus, each October we paint everything in sight pink to raise money for breast cancer. That’s something, right?
It would be, if more than 8% of the funds raised actually went toward cancer research.
Well, hell. It sounds like there’s just no pleasing these broads.
Not the way you’re doing it, no sir.
Pffft. WOMEN. Am I right?
Not in the slightest sir, no.
