PHILADELPHIA – Michael Vick’s second stint in the NFL came to a sudden halt late last night when a midnight raid by heavily armed agents from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) discovered that the embattled Eagles QB was housing a two ounce Betta Splendens, more commonly known as a Siamese Fighting Fish, in his north Philadelphia residence.
“For Christ’s sake, it’s just a stupid fish I won at a carnival last Saturday playing the ring toss,” the handcuffed Vick cried as PETA officers dragged him to their armored patrol vehicles. “If I’d known it was going to get me in this kind of trouble, I would’ve taken the Def Leppard poster instead.”
“With this arrest, Michael Vick’s nightmarish reign of terror over nature’s innocent, helpless creatures is finally at an end,” said PETA president Ingrid E. Newkirk. “Maybe now he’ll understand that dogs and fish are beautiful, sensitive beings that are meant to jump and play and frolic happily. Although not together, obviously.”
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell assured reporters that the league has a zero-tolerence policy toward animal cruelty.
“It doesn’t matter if it’s dogs, roosters, or fish, the NFL strictly forbids animal fighting of any sort,” said Goodell. ”Believe me, the last thing we want to see is a bunch of poor, dumb creatures being trained to battle each other in some sort of gladiatorial combat just for people’s…um…. amusement,” concluded the suddenly ruminative commissioner.
Vick will reportedly plea-bargain a lighter sentence in exchange for several hundred hours of community service speaking to at-risk youth about avoiding the glamorous life of professional fish-fighting. As to the status of the fish itself, Goodell informed reporters that the betta would be taken to live, “with a nice family at a farm out in the country,” before ending the press conference and walking backstage, where a distinct flushing sound was heard moments later.
