PITTSBURGH – In preparation for his team’s Sunday night matchup against the Chicago Bears, lifelong Steelers fan Ryan Butler announced plans to take a powerful painkilling shot just before the game in order to manage the discomfort of watching the Steelers offense.
“I’ll definitely need a shot prior to kickoff, and probably another at the beginning of the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th quarter,” said Butler. “This won’t remove the pain entirely, but it should make it manageable enough that I can make it all the way through the game.”
Butler, 28, claims the shots are necessary to deal with the variety of ailments he’s struggled with during the season’s first two weeks.
“Seeing our running game flounder so badly makes me sick to my stomach,” he claimed. “Plus, the play calling of (offensive coordinator) Todd Haley causes my head to spin pretty badly. And of course, there’s my cousin Jeremy, who’s a Bengals fan. After that loss, he was a huge pain in my ass.”
Added Butler, “Trust me, both Steelers games this year have left me feeling extremely sore.”
Statistically, the Steelers rank near the bottom of every significant offensive category. They are second to last in rushing yards, third to last in points scored, sixth to last in passing yards, and a dismal second to last in total offense.
“That’s why I need to resort to ‘juicing’ like this,” concluded Butler. “Every season has its shares of aches and pains, but this year has me feeling much more banged up than usual. And without the painkilling relief from these shots, I’d never be able to tolerate the agony of going against that Bears defense.”
