Vince Wilfork, the 325 pound tackle for the New England Patriots, consumed every last piece of leftover Halloween candy that was left in the Patriots break room at club headquarters, sources confirmed Thursday afternoon.
“Dammit Vince, that was supposed to be for everyone,” said WR Wes Welker, who’d left several Nestle Crunch and Butterfinger bars that had not been handed out to neighborhood children from the previous evening. “Way to hog them all, lardbutt!”
“I had a huge container of M&M’s and Whoppers that I still had after Halloween, so I dropped them off in the break room, figuring everyone could get a bag or two,” said guard Logan Mankins. “I came back like ten minutes later, and the was nothing but empty wrappers everywhere.”
This isn’t the first time that Wilfork has incurred his teammates’ ire due to a breakroom indiscretion.
Said a Patriots player who asked to remain anonymous, “Every time, and I mean EVERY time that Gisele gives me a tupperware of leftover meatloaf, or whatever, to bring to work for lunch, I leave it in the kitchen fridge with a big post-it note that says, ‘Do NOT eat. Property of [redacted]. This means YOU Vince.’ But he ALWAYS eats it anyway.”