Fox Sports’ NFL Mascot “Cleatus the Robot” has been suspended from the network without pay indefinitely, after the revelation that the hulking cyborg has allegedly been engaged in an illicit affair with Jade, an underage Bratz doll, it was reported early Wednesday.
“Everyone here at Fox is deeply disappointed in Cleatus,” said network Sports President Eric Shanks. “We considered him a friend and colleague, but after hearing news this disturbing, we have no choice but to sever our relationship immediately.”
A spokesperson for Jade confirmed that the adolescent doll has spent several evenings recently with Cleatus in his Hollywood Hills mansion, but insists that the two are, “just good friends.”
Cleatus, who has served as FOX’s official NFL mascot since 2005, has reportedly been spiraling out of control in recent weeks, and his erratic behavior has not gone unnoticed by his peers.
“It’s the worst kept secret in sports broadcasting,” said a coworker, who asked only to be identified as “Jimmy J.” ” Cleatus is notorious in this town for his taste in, shall we say, exotic playthings. He showed up at our holiday party last year with a Polly Pocket on each arm, wasted off his mechanical ass on synthetic oil.”
“He’s disgusting,” added sportscaster Marv Albert. “You’d think someone in his position would be a little more careful about how he conducts himself.”
“Oh yeah, Cleatus’ drunken orgies at the Chateu Marmont are legendary,” said a close friend who identified himself as, “O. Prime.” “Lemme tell you, that ‘bot always gets his hands on the sweetest ’action figure,’ in the room, if you know what I mean. And he does not keep them in their original packaging.”
Shanks confirmed that FOX would be looking to replace Cleatus with a new, more family friendly mascot, effective immediately.
“We were planning on hiring Wall*E,” said Shanks. “Until we found out he was doing seven years at the California State Prison in Lancaster for lewd and lascivious acts with a Cuisinart. Now we just think we’ll replace Cleatus with Ashton Kutcher, provided we can get him to appear more lifelike.”
