BUFFALO, MIAMI, MANHATTAN – In an effort to challenge the Patriots long-standing dominance of the AFC East, officials from the New York Jets, Buffalo Bills, and Miami Dolphins franchises today announced their intentions to merge their rosters into one single “mega-team” in hopes of finally unseating the Pats from the top of the division, sources close to the new hybrid squad confirmed early this morning.
“Today begins a glorious new era of AFC East football. So let us be the first to say, ‘How ’bout them New Miaffalo Betphins!?’” said the trio of Rex Ryan, Doug Marrone, and Joe Philbin, co-head coaches of the new super-sized team. “In the past, we’ve all struggled individually to finish ahead of Tom Brady and the Patriots. But now, New England will tremble against the combined quarterbacking prowess of Geno Smith, Ryan Tannehill, and E.J. Manuel… hmm, perhaps we haven’t fully thought this plan through.”
The Patriots have claimed the AFC East title a staggering ten times in the past twelve seasons, and were considered the overwhelming favorite to win the division yet again in 2014. But today’s birth of the New Miaffalo Betphins, with its 159-man roster, has cast that outcome in doubt.
“Normally, I would never have considered joining forces with those annoying Bills or Dolphins,” Ryan later told reporters. “But you know how it is: ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend,’ and all that. If this unholy alliance is what it takes to finally knock those smug Boston Douche Pies down from their pedestal, than you can dress me in a green, red, and teal sweatshirt and consider me a Betphin for life.”
Following this trend, the Indianapolis Colts apparent dominance of the AFC South will now be challenged by a new franchise known as the “Houstennesseeville Texaguarans.” Meanwhile, just for kicks, the star-studded rosters of the Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, and San Diego Chargers combined to form the “San Denver City Chargeroncochiefs,” who have already defeated the helplessly overmatched Oakland Raiders 288-0.
